im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
