You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
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