He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
