I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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