i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
