The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
