Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
