I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
