Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
