Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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