You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
