I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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