I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
