i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
