Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
