Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
