Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize