A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
