Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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