Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
