Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
