Are we in a gay sports bar?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
