So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
