A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
