I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize