well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
