Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
