If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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