I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
