Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
