never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
