Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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