Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
