I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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