Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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