You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
