her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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