Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
