You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
