he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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