someone threw a dead crab at me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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