I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
