Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
