talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
false alarm, still single
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
