I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Drunk is not a location!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
