i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
