dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
