I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
