look no pants
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
