I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
