The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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