I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
