WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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