Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
