i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
