These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
so much tequila, so little girl.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
