My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
