My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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